Mommy and Jansen ready to watch Toy Story 3 with uncle Dan and Conner in the background
Daddy and Jansen waiting for the movie to start!
It is amazing to think that 4 months have passed since Jillian came into this world for only a brief while before going to heaven. I think of her all day long everyday and have such an empty feeling in my heart most of the time. We as a family tried to have a good day today by taking Jansen to see Toy Story 3, which he enjoyed! We did have a good time but our sweet girl is never far away in our thoughts.
So now, back to Jillian's story. I left off the last post when we had decided she would be named Jillian Michelle Martin and I was around 31 weeks. My doctor put me on bedrest at 31 weeks due to high blood pressure. We were not sure at this point how long I would make it carrying Jillian, even on bedrest. My blood pressure did ok as long as I was completely doing nothing. Anytime I got up, just to take a shower, it went up. I had a continuous headache also. Wednesday March 3rd my bp went really high, so I called the office and the nurse said for me to go to the hospital and get monitored. We stayed a couple hours, bp going down, however while I was hooked up to the monitor we saw Jillian's heart rate was fluctuating a lot. We found out that she did seem to be struggling at this point. Our dr suggested admitting us then and inducing however we needed just a little longer to process that this was finally time. So on Thursday morning we decided to go in on Friday morning and meet our daughter. I had a c-section since I had also had one with Jansen. Jillian was born at 9:55am Friday March 5, 2010. She did not cry, only a few whimpers. She weighed 3 pounds, 1 ounce and was 16 inches long. My sister was in the delivery room with us and took a lot of pictures for us and the first thing she said was, "she is tiny!" Within 2 minutes our pediatrician placed her in mine and Jacks arms and we fully believe we were holding her as she left this earth. I got to carry her back to our room from the operating room and she never left our arms until we were ready. This is another aspect I want to mention, the nurses and doctors at the hospital were wonderful in every way possible. They let us decide how much time we wanted with Jillian and let us basically be in control I felt like. We we treated better than I could ever have asked for. We got to keep everything we wanted also, including her diaper, bracelets, hats, measuring tape, etc. We got lots and lots of handprints and footprints also on paper, ornaments, and clay molds. Those nurses know who they are but they also will have a special place in our heart always for caring for our daughter the way they did.
Once we got back into the room Jack brought Jansen in to see his sister and he loved her instantly and was ready to get in my bed and help hold her. After we had a little while with the 4 of us together, our families came in to see her.
We scheduled to have a professional photographer come to the hospital to take pictures of our family also. The program called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is phenominal. A lady affiliated with this program came to our room and did the pictures for us at no cost!! She took pictures for almost 2 hours! They were wonderful when we got them-- something we will cherish forever.
Before the pics, Jack and Jansen gave Jillian a bath in our room and dressed her for the photos. Let me just say how sweet it was to watch! After the pics we held Jillian, took in every feature we possibly could etch into our mind. She looked perfect to us! She did have a place on the top of her head that was not completely closed and she had 6 fingers and toes on each hand and foot but she was perfect in our eyes! She really favored Jansen when he was first born! We kept her in our room with us until about 8pm that night and decided to let her go to the nursery area where they would keep her until we went home from the hospital. We said our goodbyes just in case we decided not to see her again. This was hard, I cannot begin to explain the feelings we had at this moment. We did get some rest this night and I will never forget Jack getting in the bed with me and holding me until we went to sleep. I needed someone close to me at all times I felt like.
The next day we visited with family in the hospital room and tried to rest more. Jack and I did decide to see Jillian again by ourselves. We went to see her in a room the hospital has for families that go through these situations. We got to sit and rock her, hold her, take more pictures with her, cut some of her hair to keep, etc.... Before we realized it 2 hours had passed and we could have sat there the rest of the night. We knew we had to let her go for good this time... we said our goodbyes, again and again, and finally walked out of the room, left her laying in a bassinet wrapped in her blanket and turned out the light. This was the moment also I cannot begin to describe how we felt. It is a feeling I wish no one had to ever experience. We went back to our room and tried to rest again this night.
Sunday was the day we knew we would get to go home. This was another dreaded experience. Leaving the hospital without our baby girl. Very, very hard. We made it though. The ride home was long and quiet for the 2 of us and actually going into the house was also hard. We rested this afternoon with Jansen and had a quiet evening together.
We had made most of the arrangements for the service before Jillian was born so we wouldn't have to do it in the hospital and when we came home. Jack called the funeral home and they came to our house Monday to confirm details with us. We planned graveside services for Thursday March 11, 2010. I will also never forget this day. Family arrived at our home throughout the day, we ate before the service and the time came to leave the house for the cemetary, which actually is only 1 mile from our house. When we arrived there, I was humbled at the cars and the people that were there to honor our daughter! Our preacher did an amazing job leading the service and one of our best friends led the singing which was beautiful! Our daughter was honored and we knew at this moment that her life had left an impact on this earth and on many individuals that were so dear to us.
This is the magnolia tree that we planted in our yard in memory of Jillian. Some sweet friends bought it for us in memory of her life and wanted us to choose where it went. We thought no better place than in our yard where we could see it everyday and think of her every time we look at it!
These pretty pink lily's suddenly bloomed in our back yard this past week. We do not remember planting them anytime and honestly don't know how they got there. The other interesting fact is they bloomed right under Jansen's tree house! I personally think it is another visual reminder for us of Jillian's life! They are a beautiful soft pink color, perfect for our baby girl!
